[ There's a call that comes in, and Eddie should be worried, because it's not on facetime.
This should be in person. This shouldn't be a call. But he doesn't trust himself to drive all the way to Texas right now, and he knows he could crash on Eddie's couch but he doesn't really have a place to stay, and his team's short-staffed, and and and-
- And the whole world feels like it's spinning, every time Buck catches a breath. He's angry, and he's sad, and he didn't say I love you back. At the time, he'd felt it be too real, like saying the words would cement Bobby's fate. All he had to do was survive, and come out of those doors, and Buck would have told him.
He shouldn't have waited.
He feels like he's going to be sick, but he presses the call button, and waits. ]
( it's a little weird that eddie hasn't heard from buck at all, but he just figures that means it's been a busy shift. maybe someone made the mistake of saying quiet again. point is--eddie's aware of the fact that something's probably keeping his best friend from their usual living virtually in each other's pockets, but he's not worried about it.
he spends his day driving people around. has dinner with chris that's pretty good, if he does say so himself. they watch an episode of some tv show chris is really getting into before he has to remind his kid--his teen--that he's gotta get some sleep if he doesn't want to be trashed for school the next day.
it's late but not late-late when his phone rings. at first, eddie sighs as he goes to grab his phone. if it's ringing, it's probably his mother. facetime calls sound different. but it's buck's name and picture flashing on his phone. huh. )
[ There's a silence, at first, as Buck tries to pull himself together. But Eddie could read his sighs and silences, and he can probably hear how Buck frowns and how his nose flares, the way it does when he's trying to keep himself from getting emotional. ]
I, uh. Yeah.
[ He clears his throat, but his voice cracks again almost immediately. It's punctuated with a sniff; he's been crying. That much is obvious with the depth and hoarseness of his voice, with the deliberate slowness of his words as if he's trying to force them out. ]
Are you sitting down? Chris isn't with you?
[ There's a shuffle of cloth as he wipes his eyes. Maybe he should have waited, but Eddie deserves to know. Eddie deserved to be here, in person, to radio in and say goodbye, to give him his last words in passing. Or maybe Buck's just feeling guilty again, about what he said, about how he couldn't muster a response to I love you, kid.
( the silence tells him something is wrong. the way buck sniffles after that tells him everything he needs to know about what happened. buck's the type to cry at reunion videos, and animal shelter commercials, and when he gets incredibly emotional. but only one of those would result in a call like this, to eddie, combined with a request that he sit down and not get chris.
it almost feels like his legs go out from under him a little as he slumps onto his arm chair. he balances with his phone gripped tightly in both hands, his elbows resting on his knees as he leans over. he wonders--briefly--if this overwhelming wave of knowing dread is how shannon felt when she found out he'd been shot in afghanistan. )
Who-- ( eddie has to pause and clear his throat, try and get some of the lump out of it. ) Who is it?
[ He takes a deep breath, because he can't bring himself to say the words out loud, like the coroner might call and say it was all a mistake if he just delays this long enough. He tries to work up to it, and hopefully Eddie forgives him for prolonging telling him. Because he feels like he needs to explain, because he feels like he'd give anything right now for someone else to be the one telling Eddie this, at the same time that he wouldn't want Eddie to find out from anyone other than someone from the 118, and he's not foisting the responsibility onto Hen or Chim or Ravi. ]
We were on a call. And there was an explosion, and the team was exposed to a disease.
[ He pauses then, because he suddenly feels like he's gotten all the air punched out of his lungs. ]
And Chim was in a really bad state, and me and Athena were chasing down the scientist to get the antidote.
[ His voice just keeps getting higher and more panicked as he continues, and it's not helping to recount the story because he feels like he's reliving it, now. Rushing Athena to her car, the helicopter chase, calling Tommy and cashing in a huge favor on a credit line he didn't even have anymore, all that feels like a lifetime or a dream ago. ]
And um -
[ His breathing staggers now, and he swallows down a cry, but the noise still escapes. ]
- There was only one dosage.
[ The way he says that is almost questioningly, like he's trying to explain it to himself, why they couldn't save everybody. ]
So we gave it to Chim, and we... walked out.
[ He remembers how fucking victorious he felt, getting his team out of there, not bothering to notice why or how Bobby fell back to the end of the line. Buck had been the first one out, and he'd wanted to be the last one out, and he might've seen it happening if he hadn't been so fucking relieved. ]
And Bobby closed the door. He, um.
[ Spent his last words to Buck consoling him.
Told him his team needed him.
Asked him to get Athena.
Ordered him out becuse he wanted to spend his last moments with his wife.
Said, I love you, kid. ]
He didn't make it.
[ He's saying this through tears now, the words catching in his throat, the sound ugly and raw. ]
( every word buck gets out feels like a weight bearing down on eddie's shoulders. he finds himself curling in more and more as the story comes out until he's almost completely bent over his knees. the phone shakes. he can't get his hands to stop trembling and no matter how much he screws his face up, he can't stop tears from spilling over.
bobby is dead.
his captain, his mentor, a man who has been there for him through some of the absolute worst moments of eddie's life, is dead. and eddie wasn't there. he should've been there. )
Is-- ( eddie sniffs, clears his throat, and tries again. ) Is Chim gonna be alright?
( are they in danger of losing someone else too? because if they are, eddie doesn't think he's going to be able to handle that well. he's already barely hanging on to his composure, metaphorical fingernails about to give. )
[ He can almost feel Eddie on the other side of the line, can almost see his face. It's rare that Eddie cries, and every time he does, it breaks Buck's heart and makes him feel so helpless. This time, he can't find any words of consolation that don't feel as hollow as the wound currently gnawing at his chest.
Thankfully, Eddie asks him a question so he doesn't have to scramble for the words he so needs to find. ]
He's-- yeah. They're gonna keep him for observation.
[ Another hard sniffle, and his voice is wobbly, threatening to break. ]
But he's in recovery.
[ And isn't that at least something? Bobby got to save him, got to sacrifice himself so that Chim's new baby might get a fighting chance to meet his father. ]
Maddie's with him now.
[ Of course Buck wouldn't have chosen for Chim to die over Bobby, but if he'd gotten his choice, he would've gone for either of them. And Eddie had once said that Buck wasn't as expendable as he'd thought of himself, but compared to the cost of losing Bobby, it's no contest.
The thought is an ugly one, but he'll have to forgive himself the transgression when the other looming thought is how empty and alone he feels. ]
I'll let you know when the funeral is, I--
[ -- He doesn't finish, shaky breath giving way to sobs, curling up on himself trying to become as small as possible so he doesn't have to look at the room he's in right now. They're four walls that if they could talk, would tell only stories of Eddie and Chris. It feels wrong right now that they're not here; for the first time in weeks he feels like he's intruding in his own home. ]
8x15 spoilers
This should be in person. This shouldn't be a call. But he doesn't trust himself to drive all the way to Texas right now, and he knows he could crash on Eddie's couch but he doesn't really have a place to stay, and his team's short-staffed, and and and-
- And the whole world feels like it's spinning, every time Buck catches a breath. He's angry, and he's sad, and he didn't say I love you back. At the time, he'd felt it be too real, like saying the words would cement Bobby's fate. All he had to do was survive, and come out of those doors, and Buck would have told him.
He shouldn't have waited.
He feels like he's going to be sick, but he presses the call button, and waits. ]
no subject
he spends his day driving people around. has dinner with chris that's pretty good, if he does say so himself. they watch an episode of some tv show chris is really getting into before he has to remind his kid--his teen--that he's gotta get some sleep if he doesn't want to be trashed for school the next day.
it's late but not late-late when his phone rings. at first, eddie sighs as he goes to grab his phone. if it's ringing, it's probably his mother. facetime calls sound different. but it's buck's name and picture flashing on his phone. huh. )
Hey, man. Long shift?
no subject
I, uh. Yeah.
[ He clears his throat, but his voice cracks again almost immediately. It's punctuated with a sniff; he's been crying. That much is obvious with the depth and hoarseness of his voice, with the deliberate slowness of his words as if he's trying to force them out. ]
Are you sitting down? Chris isn't with you?
[ There's a shuffle of cloth as he wipes his eyes. Maybe he should have waited, but Eddie deserves to know. Eddie deserved to be here, in person, to radio in and say goodbye, to give him his last words in passing. Or maybe Buck's just feeling guilty again, about what he said, about how he couldn't muster a response to I love you, kid.
He looks up and chokes back his tears. ]
Don't get him.
no subject
it almost feels like his legs go out from under him a little as he slumps onto his arm chair. he balances with his phone gripped tightly in both hands, his elbows resting on his knees as he leans over. he wonders--briefly--if this overwhelming wave of knowing dread is how shannon felt when she found out he'd been shot in afghanistan. )
Who-- ( eddie has to pause and clear his throat, try and get some of the lump out of it. ) Who is it?
no subject
We were on a call. And there was an explosion, and the team was exposed to a disease.
[ He pauses then, because he suddenly feels like he's gotten all the air punched out of his lungs. ]
And Chim was in a really bad state, and me and Athena were chasing down the scientist to get the antidote.
[ His voice just keeps getting higher and more panicked as he continues, and it's not helping to recount the story because he feels like he's reliving it, now. Rushing Athena to her car, the helicopter chase, calling Tommy and cashing in a huge favor on a credit line he didn't even have anymore, all that feels like a lifetime or a dream ago. ]
And um -
[ His breathing staggers now, and he swallows down a cry, but the noise still escapes. ]
- There was only one dosage.
[ The way he says that is almost questioningly, like he's trying to explain it to himself, why they couldn't save everybody. ]
So we gave it to Chim, and we... walked out.
[ He remembers how fucking victorious he felt, getting his team out of there, not bothering to notice why or how Bobby fell back to the end of the line. Buck had been the first one out, and he'd wanted to be the last one out, and he might've seen it happening if he hadn't been so fucking relieved. ]
And Bobby closed the door. He, um.
[ Spent his last words to Buck consoling him.
Told him his team needed him.
Asked him to get Athena.
Ordered him out becuse he wanted to spend his last moments with his wife.
Said, I love you, kid. ]
He didn't make it.
[ He's saying this through tears now, the words catching in his throat, the sound ugly and raw. ]
no subject
bobby is dead.
his captain, his mentor, a man who has been there for him through some of the absolute worst moments of eddie's life, is dead. and eddie wasn't there. he should've been there. )
Is-- ( eddie sniffs, clears his throat, and tries again. ) Is Chim gonna be alright?
( are they in danger of losing someone else too? because if they are, eddie doesn't think he's going to be able to handle that well. he's already barely hanging on to his composure, metaphorical fingernails about to give. )
no subject
Thankfully, Eddie asks him a question so he doesn't have to scramble for the words he so needs to find. ]
He's-- yeah. They're gonna keep him for observation.
[ Another hard sniffle, and his voice is wobbly, threatening to break. ]
But he's in recovery.
[ And isn't that at least something? Bobby got to save him, got to sacrifice himself so that Chim's new baby might get a fighting chance to meet his father. ]
Maddie's with him now.
[ Of course Buck wouldn't have chosen for Chim to die over Bobby, but if he'd gotten his choice, he would've gone for either of them. And Eddie had once said that Buck wasn't as expendable as he'd thought of himself, but compared to the cost of losing Bobby, it's no contest.
The thought is an ugly one, but he'll have to forgive himself the transgression when the other looming thought is how empty and alone he feels. ]
I'll let you know when the funeral is, I--
[ -- He doesn't finish, shaky breath giving way to sobs, curling up on himself trying to become as small as possible so he doesn't have to look at the room he's in right now. They're four walls that if they could talk, would tell only stories of Eddie and Chris. It feels wrong right now that they're not here; for the first time in weeks he feels like he's intruding in his own home. ]