bombero | open post.

That's probably something you should talk to Dr. Copeland about. ( but, also-- ) If it's not, we can always find things for you to do. Things that don't involve risking your life.

( eddie knows what the drive to be useful feels like, and he knows that therapy will help but won't completely eliminate that feeling. not without years worth of work, anyway. so coping mechanisms it is. )

[She huffs out a breath.] Probably. [Why does everything have to be something you need to unpack in therapy? Can a woman not simply feel like she has to earn her right to existence by being useful? Can she not just be scared that her found family of choice won't have a place for her anymore if she's not right there working with them day after day?]

Things like what?

I don't know. Maybe you volunteer. Maybe there's a position at the academy you can take for a while. ( he shrugs. ) We'll figure something out.

You think Bobby really wants me influencing the next generation of firefighters?

[It’s actually not a bad idea, so long as no one’s concerned Buck will pass on her tendency to ignore orders when they go against her instincts.]

Hell yeah. Why wouldn't he?

( sure, buck may have a reckless streak sometimes, but it's getting better the older she gets. and she's a damn good firefighter. the next generation could learn a lot from her. besides-- )

Didn't he have you helping with Ravi when he was a probie?

So I don’t infect them all with my insubordination? And I kind of took on training Ravi myself.

[Because she thought they might need a replacement for her.]

You're not actually that insubordinate. You just think you are.

( he's aware this sounds like a wild thing to say, but it's also the truth. )

[She raises her eyebrows as she turns to look at him.] Bobby has a whole speech for when I disobey his orders.

Okay, one, half the reason he lectures you like that is because he worries about ( you. this isn't really relevant to his point but is worth saying. ) Two, you only really disobey orders in certain situations.

[She's not sure why she's thinking about the lecture Bobby gave her when there was a sniper after the LAFD now.

Well. Maybe she does. Because it was different. Because his lectures haven't felt the same since. Because not even an hour ago, Bobby had showed up at her door, terrified that something was incredibly wrong because he knows Buck wouldn't mix narcotics and pregnancy on purpose otherwise.]

Not always.

( that--doesn't sound good. and honestly doesn't sound like what he knows of bobby and buck, so he has to ask: ) What do you mean?

I don't know. Just - [She presses a palm against her forehead, just for the pressure to focus on. Is this even something she wants to talk about right now? They've already had one harrowing conversation.] I don't know.

Buck... ( he's worried, now. because this whole conversation has gone somewhere he didn't expect and whatever it is she's talking about doesn't sound good. ) Talk to me?

[They should talk about it, right? Dr. Copeland would definitely recommend having this discussion, has recommended it. And maybe it makes sense to have it now, when they were talking about the possibility of her carrying around a new life in her body.]

- It was after you were shot. When you were still in the hospital.

( eddie pauses to think about that. figure out if he knows what she's referencing. and it hits him pretty quickly--he bets he does. )

With the crane? ( he's careful to keep his tone even, despite the fact that thinking about what he heard about that call makes him a little anxious. )

Yeah.

I went to Bobby afterward cause I knew he was pissed but he didn't pull me aside like he usually does. He pretty much told me that he'd given up trying to get me to stop going full Buck because it wasn't gonna happen, and he all but called me suicidal to my face.

[And okay, maybe that framing is not... exactly how the conversation went, but it was in there.]

( eddie takes a moment to digest that before asking, quietly, ) Were you? Suicidal.

[She wants to say no. She wants to say of course not. She wants to say I was just doing my job. But Dr. Copeland has been slowly easing her head around the possibility that Buck's tried to die before, so that she can find ways to recognize it if it happens again.]

- Things are good now.

( that's not at all what he asked, but it's also enough of an answer that eddie immediately knows that buck was, indeed, a little suicidal. even if she can't admit it. he holds her a little tighter and takes a moment to just breathe her in. )

That's probably why that was different.

Yeah. [She swallows. Takes a moment herself to breathe and feel the way that he's holding onto her.

Softly:] Things were good for Maddie, too, until being pregnant with Jee fucked her up. [It's not really something that had been a part of their talks about the possibility of having a kid together, not yet. God, she didn't even know she was worried about it until just now, basically.]

Knowing PPD is a possibility means that we're prepared to treat it. ( he kisses the top of her head again. ) If that's a risk you want to take.

( because at the end of the day, buck is the one who has final say on if or when they have more kids. or if they try for biological kids versus something like adoption. )

It is. [She knows that for certain. She does want to make a kid with Eddie. She wants Christopher to have a little sibling.] I just - I don’t think I thought about what could go wrong until now.

( he nods, but is quiet for a moment, clearly thinking. )

Would it help to do some research on it?

Probably. Yeah.

[Well, assuming she doesn’t fall into a Research Spiral(TM).]

Then we'll do some research.

( because he plans to be there every step of the way. she's not alone in this, and eddie absolutely wants to be as prepared as possible for if she does end up with a case of PPD, or a pregnancy complication, or whatever. because he loves her. and because he wasn't there for shannon; not at the end of her pregnancy and not when she started realizing that something was wrong with chris. that--haunts him a little. )

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